I love to read. I've been a bookworm since I first laid my hand on Matilda by Roald Dahl when I was around 6. I read that book over and over, until the cover fell off and the corners of all the pages were worn from turning the pages and saving my spot so many times. I read quite fast because of it, and the vastness of my imagination is great. It's possibly why I still love to read so much; my imagination.
Today, I see reading as not only a way to exersize my mind and learn, but a way to get away from everything. I deserve a getaway, especially now. Who would've known how eventful this semester trully would be, especially the events due to..."boy drama" and everything that followed it?
Regardless of how crazy it has been, I am thankful for it. I've learned so much this semester--more than I thought I ever would, and my learning has been much more different than I thought it would go. Life ceases to amaze me.
Yet I still deserve a few days away to mull things over. So I've been hanging out in Goober's apartment (he moved up North to University's city, by the way), watching Dragon Ball Z (nothing like showing my nerdy side), reading The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt by Edmond Morris (amazing book, by the way. Teddy Roosevelt is one of my inspiriations), and hanging out with my two dogs. It's such a relaxing change.
However, the semester isn't over, and neither is the drama. And even when it is over, there's still Spring semester, and next year as well. Who knows where life at the University will lead; and what books I will read.
P.S. What're your favorite books?
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Gotta Lotta Walls
I was taught by my parents, both directly and indirectly, to leap. To go for my dreams and do everything I set my mind to. Otherwise, I may possibly live in a content but regretful life. I feel like it is in my blood to take leaps and bounds in life--it is a part of me. I was even told by a guy here, "you are like a wild animal; you cannot be contained or tamed." At the time, I completely glorified in it. I still do; I'd rather see myself being the one on a wild horse than the the horse that has been tamed.
Recently though, when it comes to taking those leaps, I've seem to have fallen quite a few times. The most recent pitfall was the worst. It was painful; a leap that I haven't taken in a long time--one where I believed that there was no way I could really fall even though all the signs were there. What makes it suck even more was that I wasn't the only one that took a leap--so I fell with another.
So I'm going to add another analogy to this--since I love 'em so much.
This is what makes this whole thing a little bit worse: walls.
See, a while back I was given the chance to rid myself of all my walls. Now, I can feel one building up--and it seems more painful than falling. Thankfully, I know how to tear them down, but when it comes to this wall, I feel like I should keep it up. At least around certain people--otherwise I open myself up to a whole new hurt. That can some up the whole semester--certain people I have walls for. Trust me; I don't like it.
I feel like I deserve time away from the craziness--to clear my head a little.
Recently though, when it comes to taking those leaps, I've seem to have fallen quite a few times. The most recent pitfall was the worst. It was painful; a leap that I haven't taken in a long time--one where I believed that there was no way I could really fall even though all the signs were there. What makes it suck even more was that I wasn't the only one that took a leap--so I fell with another.
So I'm going to add another analogy to this--since I love 'em so much.
This is what makes this whole thing a little bit worse: walls.
See, a while back I was given the chance to rid myself of all my walls. Now, I can feel one building up--and it seems more painful than falling. Thankfully, I know how to tear them down, but when it comes to this wall, I feel like I should keep it up. At least around certain people--otherwise I open myself up to a whole new hurt. That can some up the whole semester--certain people I have walls for. Trust me; I don't like it.
I feel like I deserve time away from the craziness--to clear my head a little.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Real People Love You For You
It's not who you are to the world, it's who you are to me. It's not how many times I say I love you...it's how much I really do.
There have been times that I've wanted to pack up my things and just leave; the crazyness here at the University is beyond anything I can post here. It has been so off-the-wall and unexpected that I could write a book and sell it as a novel because no one would believe it to be true. Some of it is because of other people and their drama; some of it is because of me and my personal choices.
But all of them have taught me a lot that I could apply in everyday life, out of college. Really, how can I survive the "real world" without these lessons?
One of them is dating and men and the like. Of course, you've read about some of that; some of it I don't dare to put up here. Some of it I only dare to tell my closest friends.
What I've been wondering recently is...why date? I mean, there are so many men out there that are immature or have something that I and many other women out there would deem a deal breaker. Some are whiny and put themselves down constantly, some put you down constantly, some are too busy with parties and drinking to give you the attention you want, some give you attention...just to much of it. Some have weird smells, weird feet, are lazy, are blind/deaf (metaphorically speaking). Some are sexist, racist, or prejudist in some way. Some are just plain stupid. Some pretend to care when they really don't. Some are liars. Some are dangerous (not in a good way). And some have most of these qualities.
There are so many men here at the University that are bad in some way. They are numerous beyond counting.
But...there are those select few that make it all worth while. These men will love you for who you are, and you will love them for who they are. These are the guys that their flaws they have make you like them even more because it makes up who they are, and who they are as a whole is what you adore.
If you like cats, they will too--or at least learn to like the one you have. If you've got some weird freckle in a place you'd never thought you'd find one, they love it. If there's some drama in your life, they're ok with it. They care for you and want to know you to the point that they like everything about you. If you pay attention, they give you a look that shows how much he cares. Even if he doesn't really know everything about you--you know that him getting to know you and vice versa just makes you like each other even more.
Besides the men in my family, there's only a couple I know right now that are like that to me. I know this because I tell them things that would scare off other men that can't handle it. In turn, they tell me things that might scare off someone girl that can't handle it.
And it doesn't even have to mean you date to find this guy; it can be just an amazing friend that you absolutely love. Regardless, they are there and will be there. Keep looking and stay committed; they are there.
And these two to me give me a very strong reason to keep going. I keep going for me, of course, but there are times that I am so brittle that I am near breaking. They assist in keeping me together.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
When I am being read
When people say that they're hard to read, I can't help but roll my eyes. These people that say such things seem to take pride in it, as if they are one of the few of this exclusive club that few members can join. They act like they are better than most people. Do you know these kinds of people? Yes you do--everyone does. At least a few throughout your life. These people make me want to tease them about their higher status. The people who say this to me I actually have a lesser view of them.
This is why: everyone is easy to read, at least the very basics.
If there's something off about someone, people can tell. You can tell when someone is strong (not just physically), honest, happy, wise, etc. You can tell within a few days, perhaps a week at the most, who the very basics of a person is. People can even read what someone is most terrified of, or what angers people the most. To read someone, it's a mix of intuition and knowing what to look for--I actually learned to read people by learning how to read dogs.
When it comes to myself though; I'd rather be a Dr. Suess novel than the Odessy written in Latin. To put it bluntly, I'd rather have people know exactly who I am as soon as possible than to try and figure me out. It's a waste of time when someone tries to hide who they are. Think of this; let's say someone really is difficult to read. It means that this person you have to be around for months or years before you know who they really are. And what if, when you do figure that person out, you don't like what you see?
You just wasted months/years of your time on someone you don't like.
There's something deeper to this subject, though.
When I say that everyone can be read easily, no matter how hard they try to hide it, I mean that everything a person needs to know about another can be read instantly, if that person knows how to read. Most people need about a week to read people.
When I say that the basics, the core of your being can be seen, I mean it. Your walls are something that everyone can see, however there is a huge window within each wall that shows the deeper part of a person. Everything that makes you who you are can be seen, as long as someone is human-literate. I know; the basics of what makes me who I am can and has been seen.
So most the time, when a man gets closer to me, he can tell that I am different from some women. If this guy has been around women who are abused, specifically sexually abused, I usually don't have to tell him I was raped. He figures it out on his own. Granted, he can't figure out the specifics of it, but he can tell.
Oh he can tell.
When someone is abused, they view the world differently, they act differently. Life becomes more...real. Not necessarily bad, just more real. Our eyes are opened in a way that most people don't open them. And people notice. If someone has never been around an abused person (or has but didn't realize/know/was told), they might see us as different. Perhaps complicated.
But yes. Only one guy that I got close to had no idea; the rest at least guessed that I was abused. A few guessed I was raped.
I really don't mind. Actually, it's nice. These men that guess turn out to be the most trustworthy. Since they have seen what it can do to a person, their eyes are opened wider as well, which makes them more trustworthy as well as more wise, even more protective of women in general. I'm more likely to trust these men when I drink, or get so tired that I act drunk, or I'm in some sort of a position that I can't defend myself or am weakened.
Most, if not every person, knows someone that was abused. However, it depends on if someone told them before that they were abused; otherwise, abused people will either be judged or just called complicated.
I prefer men who I don't really need to tell; all of the men that I've met that figure it out before there's some need to tell them turn out to be a much better man than the alternative.
This is why: everyone is easy to read, at least the very basics.
If there's something off about someone, people can tell. You can tell when someone is strong (not just physically), honest, happy, wise, etc. You can tell within a few days, perhaps a week at the most, who the very basics of a person is. People can even read what someone is most terrified of, or what angers people the most. To read someone, it's a mix of intuition and knowing what to look for--I actually learned to read people by learning how to read dogs.
When it comes to myself though; I'd rather be a Dr. Suess novel than the Odessy written in Latin. To put it bluntly, I'd rather have people know exactly who I am as soon as possible than to try and figure me out. It's a waste of time when someone tries to hide who they are. Think of this; let's say someone really is difficult to read. It means that this person you have to be around for months or years before you know who they really are. And what if, when you do figure that person out, you don't like what you see?
You just wasted months/years of your time on someone you don't like.
There's something deeper to this subject, though.
When I say that everyone can be read easily, no matter how hard they try to hide it, I mean that everything a person needs to know about another can be read instantly, if that person knows how to read. Most people need about a week to read people.
When I say that the basics, the core of your being can be seen, I mean it. Your walls are something that everyone can see, however there is a huge window within each wall that shows the deeper part of a person. Everything that makes you who you are can be seen, as long as someone is human-literate. I know; the basics of what makes me who I am can and has been seen.
So most the time, when a man gets closer to me, he can tell that I am different from some women. If this guy has been around women who are abused, specifically sexually abused, I usually don't have to tell him I was raped. He figures it out on his own. Granted, he can't figure out the specifics of it, but he can tell.
Oh he can tell.
When someone is abused, they view the world differently, they act differently. Life becomes more...real. Not necessarily bad, just more real. Our eyes are opened in a way that most people don't open them. And people notice. If someone has never been around an abused person (or has but didn't realize/know/was told), they might see us as different. Perhaps complicated.
But yes. Only one guy that I got close to had no idea; the rest at least guessed that I was abused. A few guessed I was raped.
I really don't mind. Actually, it's nice. These men that guess turn out to be the most trustworthy. Since they have seen what it can do to a person, their eyes are opened wider as well, which makes them more trustworthy as well as more wise, even more protective of women in general. I'm more likely to trust these men when I drink, or get so tired that I act drunk, or I'm in some sort of a position that I can't defend myself or am weakened.
Most, if not every person, knows someone that was abused. However, it depends on if someone told them before that they were abused; otherwise, abused people will either be judged or just called complicated.
I prefer men who I don't really need to tell; all of the men that I've met that figure it out before there's some need to tell them turn out to be a much better man than the alternative.
Monday, November 2, 2009
the 10 best things
A friend of mine pointed out that recently, I've been a complainer. And I see his point--very much so. He's an amazing person for putting up with me and all of my recent complaining. But now that he's pointed that out, I'm changing my view as well as my posts.
Today, I'll write about people and things about college that I love.
1) The Women's Meeting:
Every Wednsday at the University, there's a women's meeting. I've gone to all but one. Every time I go, I feel so much better afterwards. No matter what the current issue or debate we have, I love it. I love every single person in there because they have so much strength. The men and women in there are honest--it is their honesty that makes them beautiful and I absolutely adore everyone in there, especially the leaders in there.
It is because of this group that I realize that I am a feminist. To be clear about what a feminist is, it is a person whom has a goal of equal rights and choice for anyone and everyone. They want to empower people in some way. I am a feminist because of my work with RAINN, because of what I right about in this blog, and because of my beliefs. I want men and women alike to speak up, first for themselves and then for others.
2) Country Music:
It is one of the kinds of music that is real. It has been in my life since I can remember; my Dad loved it, and whenever I was with him he'd play it, especially Garth Brooks. They sing about things that many artists wouldn't dare touch. Some of it is sad, and some of it makes me wanna get up and dance. There are many artists that I love from different genres, but with country, I could listen to any of it.
Holy Water
Big and Rich MySpace Music Videos
Besides that, I look bomb in a cowboy hat.
3) Family
My family is always there. However, I'm not just referring to the family I have by blood. They are the people that I know will always be there for me no matter what. They are the people that know everything about me and still love me. They are the people that I could tell anything to and they would still be there in the end. My biological family is of course in there, but there's also the RAINN people, my dogs and cat, the people at HALO, the dogs and cats there, my family from Impact, etc. It is an immense group, and just like they are here for me, I am here for them. If not physically, than in any other way I can be.
4) Friends
They may not be around as much as family, but they are a key way to learn. And honestly, there's nothing like learning. I love to learn. It is my obsession and it's what drives me forward. Friends give me that. However my definition of whom I consider a friend is different. They are there, but not necessarily as support, but as a teacher. They may not even know that they are teaching, but they do. So, in respect, I don't believe in enemies because just as I can learn something from them, they can learn something from me if they so chose.
5) Surprises!
Life and everything that encompasses and creates it is a surprise. I love surprises, especially when a person surprises me. Here at the University, I've been surprised by life, people, and most of all myself. Surprises make life interesting--if it were any other way, Life would be predictable and therefore boring.
6) My classes
I love political science, even though I don't have a set belief about things that many people may assume I do, like a set answer to, "What do you think about President Obama?" Since they're all poli sci classes, they all tie in together in some way. My favorite is Political Ideologies--the teacher loves the subject, and so do I.
The most interesting class thus far, however, is my communication theories class. It seems that my life ties in with whatever theory we're currently discussing in class. It's the weirdest and most intriguing thing. I go to class with worries about myself, women, men, family, My Story, etc. And every time there is something that relates back to whatever is on my mind. How crazy is that?
7) My Dogs
They will always be with me because there's a connection there; I've learned more about people from dogs than I have from people. Abused dogs at the shelters have shown me how I and others like me are; they've given me a reason to keep going. I commit to so many things in my life, including living it, because of dogs.
The very basics are: they have been, are, and always will be there for me; they keep going and loving no matter what, and they love me because I can speak their language (so to speak).
I cannot explain the connection I have for them simply because it's a deep connection. Dog lovers, the ones who love them no matter what they look like, what they're problems are, etc--they know exactly what I'm talking about. Not to be cheesy, but the connection is kind of...magical, perhaps. Something that science, logic, and reason cannot explain. Something that stays with someone for life.
8) My strength
If I wasn't so strong, there's no way I could handle even a fraction of what these past two years have given me. I'll leave it at that
9) God
Yeah, I believe in a higher being. However, I'm not religious. To me, certain things aren't logical--they can't be scientifically explained. Other times, science can explain some things that points to a higher entity.
My God, however isn't a He, She, It...God is god. I'm not entirely sure what God is. God might even be some sort of scientific, mathematical thing that somehow connects everything together--humans just haven't figured out the science behind it. Or perhaps it's just as some religion belives a God is. Or maybe he's just a boy with an ant farm...we're the aunts.
I'm more talking about how everything seems to connect in some way. I mean everything; if I look at my life i its entirety, it all connects somehow.
10) Best Friends and Closest Family
Who doesn't love 'em?
Today, I'll write about people and things about college that I love.
1) The Women's Meeting:
Every Wednsday at the University, there's a women's meeting. I've gone to all but one. Every time I go, I feel so much better afterwards. No matter what the current issue or debate we have, I love it. I love every single person in there because they have so much strength. The men and women in there are honest--it is their honesty that makes them beautiful and I absolutely adore everyone in there, especially the leaders in there.
It is because of this group that I realize that I am a feminist. To be clear about what a feminist is, it is a person whom has a goal of equal rights and choice for anyone and everyone. They want to empower people in some way. I am a feminist because of my work with RAINN, because of what I right about in this blog, and because of my beliefs. I want men and women alike to speak up, first for themselves and then for others.
2) Country Music:
It is one of the kinds of music that is real. It has been in my life since I can remember; my Dad loved it, and whenever I was with him he'd play it, especially Garth Brooks. They sing about things that many artists wouldn't dare touch. Some of it is sad, and some of it makes me wanna get up and dance. There are many artists that I love from different genres, but with country, I could listen to any of it.
Holy Water
Big and Rich MySpace Music Videos
Besides that, I look bomb in a cowboy hat.
3) Family
My family is always there. However, I'm not just referring to the family I have by blood. They are the people that I know will always be there for me no matter what. They are the people that know everything about me and still love me. They are the people that I could tell anything to and they would still be there in the end. My biological family is of course in there, but there's also the RAINN people, my dogs and cat, the people at HALO, the dogs and cats there, my family from Impact, etc. It is an immense group, and just like they are here for me, I am here for them. If not physically, than in any other way I can be.
4) Friends
They may not be around as much as family, but they are a key way to learn. And honestly, there's nothing like learning. I love to learn. It is my obsession and it's what drives me forward. Friends give me that. However my definition of whom I consider a friend is different. They are there, but not necessarily as support, but as a teacher. They may not even know that they are teaching, but they do. So, in respect, I don't believe in enemies because just as I can learn something from them, they can learn something from me if they so chose.
5) Surprises!
Life and everything that encompasses and creates it is a surprise. I love surprises, especially when a person surprises me. Here at the University, I've been surprised by life, people, and most of all myself. Surprises make life interesting--if it were any other way, Life would be predictable and therefore boring.
6) My classes
I love political science, even though I don't have a set belief about things that many people may assume I do, like a set answer to, "What do you think about President Obama?" Since they're all poli sci classes, they all tie in together in some way. My favorite is Political Ideologies--the teacher loves the subject, and so do I.
The most interesting class thus far, however, is my communication theories class. It seems that my life ties in with whatever theory we're currently discussing in class. It's the weirdest and most intriguing thing. I go to class with worries about myself, women, men, family, My Story, etc. And every time there is something that relates back to whatever is on my mind. How crazy is that?
7) My Dogs
They will always be with me because there's a connection there; I've learned more about people from dogs than I have from people. Abused dogs at the shelters have shown me how I and others like me are; they've given me a reason to keep going. I commit to so many things in my life, including living it, because of dogs.
The very basics are: they have been, are, and always will be there for me; they keep going and loving no matter what, and they love me because I can speak their language (so to speak).
I cannot explain the connection I have for them simply because it's a deep connection. Dog lovers, the ones who love them no matter what they look like, what they're problems are, etc--they know exactly what I'm talking about. Not to be cheesy, but the connection is kind of...magical, perhaps. Something that science, logic, and reason cannot explain. Something that stays with someone for life.
8) My strength
If I wasn't so strong, there's no way I could handle even a fraction of what these past two years have given me. I'll leave it at that
9) God
Yeah, I believe in a higher being. However, I'm not religious. To me, certain things aren't logical--they can't be scientifically explained. Other times, science can explain some things that points to a higher entity.
My God, however isn't a He, She, It...God is god. I'm not entirely sure what God is. God might even be some sort of scientific, mathematical thing that somehow connects everything together--humans just haven't figured out the science behind it. Or perhaps it's just as some religion belives a God is. Or maybe he's just a boy with an ant farm...we're the aunts.
I'm more talking about how everything seems to connect in some way. I mean everything; if I look at my life i its entirety, it all connects somehow.
10) Best Friends and Closest Family
Who doesn't love 'em?
Friday, October 30, 2009
Clarity
So yesterday, I had one of those terrible days where a realization hit me hard--to the point where I cried myself to sleep. Sounds depressing, I know, but people have these days. And these male figures that seem to like me are quite...numerous. That's the cause of the tearful night. However, after praying for clarity and assistance, I finally realized that I am not here to judge and critisize others; only myself. God gives me challenges that are meant for me to grow, not for me to pick on others. This whole college experience is a God-given gift for me to learn, inside and outside of the classrooms.But when I woke up, I still felt like I deserved a mini getaway or stress reliever. Before moving to the University, my stress relievers were my dogs--they were there with me and for me everyday in the Summer. Here, I need to learn new and different ways to relieve stress.
And I found one.
Over the day, I created a whole halloween scene all with construction paper; a black backdrop with a brown wooden fence that a white cat is sitting one. Above the cat there's a white cloud raining red. On the sides, it says, "happy hallow's eve."
It sounds a bit...creepy/scary, but I was able to focus my mind on something else instead of having myself be eaten up by the overwhelming college life.
People need a de-stresser of some sort, especially women who tend to overthink and over analyze things. For me, it's dogs, arts & crafts, and sewing. All of these are things that require focus and attention. They are an escape from the daily stresses of life, and I believe that people would go insane if they didn't have such escapes. Some kind of sport, perhaps fixing or making/inventing something. The escapes I'm talking about just put your mind in a place where you can think clearer about everything, so after the escape when someone thinks about a problem or two, they don't look as bad as they did before.
These escapes I'm talking about doesn't include friends or TV. Friends do offer an escape, but doesn't create a good focus on one specific thing. TV just numbs the brain; it doesn't clear it. These two offer a different kind of escape. While friends can make a mind clearer, it might be because you talked about your problems to your friend (which is also needed on occasions). TV isn't really an escape so much as it is a way to avoid your problems, look at a problem after a session of tube-staring, and it'll look as daunting as before.
For the specific kind of escape I'm talking about, I'll make a metaphor/similie. Like our backs, our brains get knotted when we stress. However, the way we "massage" or "stretch" the brain--thus ridding it of knots--is by using, or exercising it. The way to exercise it is by making it focus and think about solvable problems. After we solve these problems, we feel accomplished, therefore the stress (ie "knots") goes away some.
I wanted to make a halloween sign/scene. I made it, looked at the end result and felt good for my accomplishment. I felt a lot better about everything; there may be drama, but I still have my escapes.
Friday, October 23, 2009
I'm a cowgirl
This blog's main reason for existance is to assist and empower people who have been or is being abused and/or knows someone who has. I began this blog just for these people alone. However, being in college has added so much more to this blog as well as adding to my vast amount of knowledge and my even more vast amount of confusion. The University has had so many twists and turns and every day brings something so completely different.
Let me explain this as best as I can: currently, my life isn't like a roller coaster, because with a roller coaster, you can see the path it's going to take. You can tell when it's going down or up, left or right, or in a loop. Last year, my life was a roller coaster--although there were many ups and downs and turns, I could figure out where life would most likely take me. Living with a 17 year old that was trying to get pregnant? You can guess where that went. Hell, even looking back I could have probably been able tell that Goober and I wouldn't last when I was living with him if I focused on it!
But today? I'm riding a bull set on bucking me off. I know the bull will buck, but have no idea how hard, how fast, and how long he'll buck nor do i know where he'll go.
I figured there'd be guys, and guy problems, but not to this extent. And there's always a little family drama too, but why the hell did it all seem to begin to grow exponentially the same time my semester began? And of course...the homework. However, that's somewhat predictable, thanks to the syllabus'. Out of everything, I'm kind of loosing balance, but doing everything I can to keep on the bull. When I fall off, I just get back on. I see that Once i conquer or tame this bull is when I finally have my degree in my hands, and I am committed to it.
Anyway, it's all a learning experience, at the very best.
Let me explain this as best as I can: currently, my life isn't like a roller coaster, because with a roller coaster, you can see the path it's going to take. You can tell when it's going down or up, left or right, or in a loop. Last year, my life was a roller coaster--although there were many ups and downs and turns, I could figure out where life would most likely take me. Living with a 17 year old that was trying to get pregnant? You can guess where that went. Hell, even looking back I could have probably been able tell that Goober and I wouldn't last when I was living with him if I focused on it!
But today? I'm riding a bull set on bucking me off. I know the bull will buck, but have no idea how hard, how fast, and how long he'll buck nor do i know where he'll go.
I figured there'd be guys, and guy problems, but not to this extent. And there's always a little family drama too, but why the hell did it all seem to begin to grow exponentially the same time my semester began? And of course...the homework. However, that's somewhat predictable, thanks to the syllabus'. Out of everything, I'm kind of loosing balance, but doing everything I can to keep on the bull. When I fall off, I just get back on. I see that Once i conquer or tame this bull is when I finally have my degree in my hands, and I am committed to it.
Anyway, it's all a learning experience, at the very best.
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